2/28/16

Old As Ghosts - Scene 1

 ACT I
 SCENE 1
(A couple lies in bed together. The woman tosses and turns. There is a small night-light plugged into the wall. Lightning flashes, a floorboard creaks, the woman, SAL, short for Sally, sits up.)

SAL
            Did you hear that?

EDDIE
(extremely groggy)

            Did I hear you asking me if I heard that?

SAL
(whispering)   
            I'm serious! Get the bat!

EDDIE
            If there's a burglar, he's got a gun. Bats are for baseball.


SAL
            Shut up, you suck at baseball. Get. The bat. Check. The windows. There’ve been break-ins in                     the building. 

(She physically pushes Eddie out of bed. He gets the bat from beside the nightstand, sighs heavily, angrily and exits the room to the bathroom. Lightning flashes again, this time, there is someone standing in the closet.)




SAL
            I know you're there. 

(The night-light fades out completely. Lightning flashes again, this time, the person from the closet is standing right next to the bed. Sal sees him and screams. Eddie comes running back into the room.)

            We’re going to my mom’s place.

(Sal jumps out of bed and begins throwing clothes in a bag, she stops directly in front of the ghost, whom she can't seem to see anymore. She stops, takes a deep inhale and moves around him.)

EDDIE
             I haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep in weeks!

                                                                            SAL
             It’s only a couple of blocks away, suck it up.

                              EDDIE
             Between packing and catching a cab, it’ll be an hour before I’m even in bed and then I’ll be                          wired.

SAL
             You think this is fun for me?

(She shoves more clothes into a bag. Eddie grabs her wrist gently.)

EDDIE
             There’s no burglar and you know it. Ghosts aren't real.

SAL
             The building is a stop ON a ghost tour, Eddie. There’s the pioneer ghost, the ghost on the                            stairs…

EDDIE
             Sals, I mean it. This is the last time. 

(Eddie and Sal make eye contact. The ghost comes and sits on the bed in between them, always looking sympathetically at Sal and ignoring Eddie.)

SAL
              Okay. 

(Eddie lets go, grabs a few things off his nightstand, they leave the room and lock the door. The moment it locks, the lighting changes. The ghost throws himself back on the bed, lying down. Another ghost wearing a full and dapper business suit, enters the room dramatically also through the closet.)

SAM
              This is the last time, Ralph! I MEAN IT!

RALPH
              Shut up Sam, don't mock this. I didn't mean to scare her.

SAM
              Aw, yes you did. It's fun to poke a hole through the ether and be seen.

RALPH
              No, I mean it. I feed bad. I don't mean to be creepy ghost guy. I just want to look at her. You                         know? Just, watch her sleep.

SAM
              Yes, if you were alive, just watching a woman sleep wouldn't be creepy at all.

RALPH
              I don't know how she sees me. She looks exhausted. She looks drained. 

SAM
              Is someone getting his hopes up? Gosh, if you’re lucky, maybe she’ll contract a fatal disease                       and die in this very room.

                          RALPH
              Watch your mouth.

           SAM
               It was just a joke.

RALPH
               Don’t make it again.

(Just then, a raptor-like dinosaur begins to slowly walk through the room.)

               Not now!

(The raptor slowly turns around and stalks back out the way he came.)

               Dinosaur ghosts man…nobody ever tells you about that when you’re alive.

SAM
               You’ll get used to it. Why do you care if she lives or dies? She doesn’t do much, she’s...
  
(Ralph flashes him another angry look.) 

               I mean, didn’t you say you went for the intellectuals when you were alive? Doesn’t it bother                          you she’s into all this ghost stuff?

                                                                  RALPH
               You’re a ghost!

                                                                  SAM
               Someone or something probably died on every square inch of this planet. People love                                  haunted places. Ooh, scary stories. If they had half a brain, they’d never walk into a                                      hospital or...

                                                                 RALPH
               You’re such a snob.

                                                                  SAM
               Of all the people you could obsess with now that you’re dead, even of all the people in this                            building. If she was Halle Berry or something...

(Ralph goes to Eddie’s side of the bed and looks at a pic of Sally on his nightstand.)

                        RALPH
                                        She’s kinda how I was. But she could still be okay. Happy. She’s funny when she’s in a                              good mood. Smart. I see her, when no one else is around. I’ve spent all this time with                                   her.

SAM
            Let's think of something fun to do. Ooh, ooh, let's just pile a bunch of stuff up in   the middle                       of the floor. They hate that.

RALPH
            I just said I didn't wanna scare her anymore.

SAM
            You kinda hate him though, don't you wanna scare him?

(Ralph smiles at Sam and nods his head. The two begin running around the room    looking for things to grab, occasionally trying and failing to actually grasp anything.)

RALPH
             Why is moving this stuff so hard?

(Lightning flashes, out of nowhere, the ghost of a pioneer woman, SARAH, appears behind Ralph and Sam.)

SARAH
               I've already explained how it works.

(Ralph and Sam scream and jump. It takes them a long beat to calm down, as they are regaining composure, they each find a place to sit. Sarah smiles.)

SAM
               Why Sarah? Why?!

SARAH
               Because it’s so fun! When you’ve been dead for longer, you'll understand. You start out                               your average confused, invisible dead person, you go into the light to face judgment or                                 you stay. If you stay and work hard like good little dead boys, you’ll be                                                         poltergeists before you can say, “Boo.”

RALPH
                Nobody says “boo” anymore Sarah. It’s cliché.

SAM
                Go back up to 3C and keep bothering Mr. and Mrs. Gold. Don’test thou have better things                           to do?

SARAH
                The Golds are less fun since they developed cataracts. And I have never, ever said                                       “Don’t’est?”. You know I moved on to the King’s English long ago. One must adapt.

(She looks right at Ralph in an accusatory manner directly after her last line.)  

                          RALPH
                 Bye, Sarah!

                        SARAH
                 I just came down to ask if you guys had seen the raptor lately, I haven't and I was kind of                           hoping he'd crossed over.

SAM
                 He has a brain the size of an almond, he doesn't know about the light.
                        
                     RALPH
                 How do you think St. Peter would judge the morality of a raptor?

                        SARAH
                 Maybe there’s a heaven and hell just for dinosaurs?     
                                               
            RALPH
                 Oh wait, that can’t be a raptor you guys, they weren’t native to New York.

(Sam and Sarah just stare at him.)

SARAH
                  The lady in white, you know, she does that spooky “walking down the stairs” routine in                               the white nightgown, she told me she saw a T-Rex stomping down 144th street the                                        other day. But she lies a lot. Honestly, either way, they're pests. So many                                                      dinosaurs. Cause there were so many. Then they died.

(Everybody experiences a long awkward pause, it's clear Sarah's just trying to make conversation.)

RALPH
                    Bye, Sarah!

                        SARAH
                    Oh, fine!

(She disappears in another sudden flash of lightning.)

RALPH
                    She’s so annoying. And does she make that lightning or does she just stall until she                                       knows it’s coming?

SAM
                    Yep. She’s such a hag. Ick. Gross.

(Sam shifts uncomfortably.)

RALPH
                     Whoa...whoa...do you have a crush on Sarah plain and dead? 

SAM
                     What's the point of having a crush on anyone? It's not like we can do anything about it.

RALPH
                      I didn't ask you what the point was. I asked if you liked her?

(Sam sighs, stands up and starts pacing.)

SAM
                      I like her outfit.

RALPH
                     All this time you've been giving me crap about Sals and you've got a thing for Sarah.                                    Unbelievable.

SAM
                      I don't have a thing. There's no such thing as having a thing. We're dead.

RALPH
                     Well, obviously not. I'm right here and there you are. One day, I’m walking around,                                      thinking about lunch. It was gonna be a Reuben. Then I got hit by a car in front of                                        this building. Now I’m here. I'm not alive, I get that. But, why am I here?

(Just then, the door opens, it's Eddie by himself. He's muttering, annoyed.)  
      
SAM
                      I’m here ‘cause I got caught embezzling from my company and took a dive off the roof                               of this building. Sarah got dysentery in her little log cabin or whatever. The Lady                                         in White threw herself down the stairs…

            RALPH
                       That’s how, not why.

(Eddie walks across the room to the bathroom, he flicks on the light and begins to collect things in a bag.)
EDDIE
                       Eddie, you're supposed to protect me. Eddie, you should take this seriously, I'm really                                  scared. Eddie, can you go back and get my contact solution?

(Eddie comes back out of the bathroom, bag in hand and walks over to the bed, he sits down. Ralph screams at Eddie and follows him around the room, Eddie can't hear him. Sam follows Ralph and tries to calm him down.)


RALPH
                       I hate you! You are SUCH AN IDIOT! This place is actually haunted, you moron!      

(Eddie opens up the drawer in his nightstand, he takes out a cell phone and dials.)

EDDIE
                       Hey… (pause) I know what time it is. (pause) I just put her in a cab. (pause) Yes,                                          again. (pause) Well, I can’t stay all night... (pause) Just give me one hour, please.                                          I need you. (pause) Okay, I’m coming upstairs.

(Sam and Ralph each sit down, shocked by what they are hearing. Eddie hangs up the phone and stands up to walk out of the room, Ralph follows him closely as he goes. Eddie looks at his arm, as if inspecting goosebumps that are being raised. He hurries to the door.
Sam looks at Ralph. Lightning flashes. The room goes dark.)

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